John McCain is a retarded piece of shit and should not even be running for office. There, I said it.

The McCain campaign has been airing TV ads in Ohio that do their best to equate high gas prices with Barack Obama. Despite the ridiculousness of this idea, I'm sure that the a good number of Ohioans are falling for it hook, line and sinker because the majority of this state hasn't attended college yet worships the ground on which a college football team walks.

Regardless, I decided that I am much more qualified to run for president than Mr. McCain. Observe the following objective analysis:

-McCain spent about 5.5 years in Vietnam. I spent about 3 years in Vietnam. Compared to our respective ages that's about 7.6 percent of his life in Vietnam and 12 percent of my life in Vietnam, hence, I have more foreign experience than he. Some people will claim that he was tortured in Vietnam, well, I had to fill out monthly expense reports while I was there which were like torture. Think about this folks: I endured more torture (relatively speaking) in Vietnam than John McCain.

-I did not divorce my first wife because she was disabled in a car wreck.

-I did not call my second wife a cunt in front of reporters.

-I do not make up stupid shit (i.e., I don't blame my political opponents for higher gas prices).

-I can lift my arms above my head.

-I've never had cancer and I don't have a swollen glad in my left cheek.

-I do not cash my Social Security check every month and hence I do not drain the U.S. economy.

-I am not a Republican.